Living in the Spirit

I haven't written in quite some time. Not much has changed since the last time I posted. But at the same time I feel like a lot has changed, mostly on the inside of myself, my heart and my mind.

I have felt a certain 'change' coming for a few months now. I feel a stirring inside of myself. Something is coming. Because of this feeling I have begun to do a few things that normally I would not have done. I am taking a class with my brother at his church, River Life. The school they have there is called SOS or School of the Supernatural. The first half of the class is always the more 'spiritual' side of things, your heart issues. The first few weeks were about Grace and now we are on to Dreams, Visions, and Revelations. The second half of the class is Old Testament History. This class has been really great. And I really felt like I was supposed to be there. Something (the Holy Spirit) is tugging at my heart. I'm not sure why or what path it's leading me down, but something is coming.

At first I thought maybe it was preparing me to move. To take up and leave with my husband and animals and start over new. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not clear. I also am struggling with a few things in my heart. Passions I have, that I've always had, but never get to use. Or have tried to use but it usually gets looked over or looked past and because of this I have almost given up on them.

Last night I got an email from a girl I have met only once at my brother's wedding. She told me some pretty amazing things about myself that she heard and felt God telling her to tell me. I read it slowly to soak it all in. I will probably read it multiple times over the next few days, weeks, and maybe even months. It was pretty incredible. It's not like she is my best friend and could tell me all of these things just because she knows me. Like I said, I have only met this girl one time. Once. That's it. And everything she said is just so true and so real and everything I have been feeling.

Here's what coming from within me: the Spirit. I know it. I know that I am being called to something greater. I'm not sure what that is exactly. Or when 'it' will happen. Or if 'it's' already happening. I'm being called to worship more freely (which is something I've never really done because I am insecure and have never really lived anything freely). Some of you might not understand what I'm talking about, and that's ok. This is for me. About me.

I think I have lived my whole life about everyone but me. This is not a bad thing. I love helping other people, being around other people, being apart of their lives. But the problem lies in the fact that I let other people and things choose my identity for me. I liked what they liked and did what they did. I think I'm finally starting to go, 'ya know, I don't actually really like this or that'. I feel like the Spirit is saying, 'Do what's best for you' and 'that is not who I created you to be, I created [that person] for that, but not you...THIS is what I created you for].

It's scary sometimes. And it makes me cry. But crying is freedom. It's letting go.

I wanna let go. And be free. And live in the Spirit.

Shout out to Tiffany

I have an awesome friend who kind of came out of no where. In July 2011 I started working at a day care/preschool after transitioning out of a nanny job. After being there for a week or two I had seen this girl a few times and it was weird but I felt like I knew her from somewhere. Don't you hate when you get that feeling like you know someone but you have no idea how or from where you know them?! So after a day or two of contemplating this I decided just to ask. So I said, "Hey,  you look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere?" She promptly and with a little bit of attitude said, "Yea, I knew you back when we were 14 and lived in the same apartment complex. You were mean to me one day and so we stopped being friends." Or something like that.

How rude, right? Well Tiffany is one of the most blunt people that I know. She always tells you the truth even if its not what you want to hear. That's one thing (among many) that I love about her. Our relationship just blossomed over the next few months. In January we were in a friends wedding together (after only knowing both of them for under 6 months). We got pretty close pretty fast and have stayed that way since, even after we both quit the daycare. It helps however that I can literally walk to her house in under a minute.

Why am I blogging about my friend, you might ask? Well I was sitting here thinking about her and how I love our relationship. I can go to her any time of day and pour my heart out. She always tells me exactly what I need to hear. Sometimes its what I want to hear and sometimes its not what I want to hear but its the truth. Whether it be the happiest thing or the saddest, she listens. We laugh together and cry together.

So the other day, after I posted about my struggle with prayer, Tiffany and I talked about it. We both share a lot of similar struggles when it comes to our relationship with God. So after sharing our thoughts on my post and things we've thought about lately we decided (her idea) that we should meet up and pray together and/or talk about a scripture we read and/or read a book together, etc. I mean, we already see each other basically every day so why not make it purposeful?

I just love that I have an awesome friend who I can be vulnerable and real with and instead of being like wow you're really screwed up she's like, 'let's work on this together because I really struggle too.' I love that. So much. Our first purposeful meeting is tomorrow morning and I'm pretty excited. I'm even going to make breakfast. I'm so glad God brought us back together, even after I was mean to her as a 14 year old....so she says.

(By the way...Tiffany blogs too... http://vivaciousinred.blogspot.com/)

Seeking help.

I've being going to church literally since the week I was born. My dad is in ministry, always has been. When I was born he was a youth minister, when we moved to Oklahoma he was the music minister then became a preaching pastor. We moved to North Carolina when I was 14 to plant a church and my dad was the lead pastor, my mother was the creative arts leader, eventually my brother Jacob and her led the worship together, and this is the life I've always known. So knowing this about me you'd think I had this whole "being a Christian" thing down pat. This is not the case.

I am about to tell you something very personal and something I daily struggle with. Prayer. Prayer? Yes, prayer. It seems so simple. I mean, its just talking to God. I'm really great at talking to people, in fact, it is one of my greatest strengths. I thrive on relationships. If I'm not around people I get really down in the dumps. I do best in jobs where I am surrounded by people, talking, creating relationships, helping, loving, etc. I've never really had someone not like me (ok, once but that girl was crazy.) I'm really good at making phone calls (my mom makes me make them all the time for her.) Ok - so you get it, I'm a relationship people person and I'm really good at talking.

So why is it so hard for me to talk to God? This is the question I am asking myself right now. I think I know the answer. I don't think its because I'm afraid changes will take place in my life that I'm not prepared for, I'm ready for answers and change. I don't think its because I don't know how to pray. I grew up praying. I went to Bible College. I should be a pro. I think its two things. The first being that I feel like I'd rather have someone else pray on my behalf, which I don't think is wrong. I think also that I'm afraid to get quiet. Every time I try to have 'quiet time' it turns into something else. I start thinking, planning, making lists of things I need to do, cleaning, listening to music, or anything to keep it from being quiet. I don't, however, know why I am afraid of quiet.

I am afraid to pray. I don't know why. I feel like when I try I don't know what to say. Usually I end up just sitting there not saying anything and in a puddle of tears. I have a lot of things I want to pray for, but at the same time, I don't like only praying when I need/want something. We had prayer breakfast this morning and we talked about the Lord's prayer. My mom heard a sermon from Andy Stanley and he talked about and went through the whole Lord's prayer and broke it down. One thing she said this morning and that Andy said in his sermon really stood out to me, " Before we get to my kingdom...I need to be and get to the point where I am more Committed to His kingdom and His will than I am my own. I am not here to make you bend in my direction, I am here to make sure I am bent in your direction."

Wow.

I literally just realized that I think that right there is my problem. I am not committed to HIS kingdom. Do I believe it? Yes absolutely. Do I live it? I really try to live the way I should and spread His Word and Love and Truth. But am I really living it on the inside? In daily life? No. I am not praying every day. I don't read my Bible often. I do pray - but its like 1 second prayers when I'm thinking about something I need. I think I pray most often when I am praying for others, which is fine, but I am not surrendering myself to Him. There are a lot of things in my life right now that are just not going anywhere. There is a lot of change I want to happen but nothing is happening. I need to lay it down. It's just so hard. And I don't even know why its hard. Somethings holding me back from totally letting go. I'm afraid to pray. I have no idea why. I don't even really think my will is better than His. I totally know that His way is better than mine will ever be. So what is stopping me from giving it up and praying? I literally can not pray out loud. It's so weird. Words do not come out. I just sit there and try to pray in my head and usually end up thinking about other things.

What is wrong with me? I know God. I know His Grace, Love, Truth, Power...etc. I'm at church every Sunday and I've been going since I wasn't even one. So why do I struggle so much in my personal walk? Is it because I've been letting other people do it for me? Am I really afraid? What's the deeper issue?

These are questions I am asking myself, God, and you....if you have any advice. Thanks for letting my share my heart and struggle. We are all humans, after all.

July.

It has been a very busy month for Scott (my husband) and I, hence me not blogging that often. I find that I am not one of those people that sits at the computer for hours on end reading articles (like my husband), or looking on Pinterest (like...everyone I know). Rather, I usually just use my phone if I need to look something up or I'm using it to look at Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Because of this I am not often at my computer to blog. I don't like using my phone to blog because it just takes too long to type out. All that to say - I'm sorry its been so long. Not that you've missed me or anything

Anyway, back to July. Wow. The beginning of July started out like any other month. HOT. Then comes July 9th which is Scott's 26th birthday. I love birthdays...Scott not so much. He'd be fine sitting at home drinking a craft beer and relaxing. I however want a party, I want everyone to know it's his birthday and I'm so excited about it! But this year we kept it low key per his request. He had to work so my parents, sister, and I met him for lunch at Shane's Rib Shack (his choice). We had a couple gifts for him. My parents got him a shirt, and a book, and we went in together on 2 tickets to see Liverpool (a soccer team from England) play in Baltimore on July 28th. He already knew we were going to do that, but he didn't know I had bought the tickets so it was a semi surprise. After Scott got off work I picked him up and we went to eat dinner at the Cajun Queen in Charlotte. If you haven't been there you need to go immediately (but save up some money first because its a little pricey...but SO worth it). This place is awesome. It's in a little old house and they serve the best cajun food. At dinner I also gave Scott a new wedding band since he lost his back in March. He was surprise and actually really liked the one I picked out - plain and simple.

The next great adventure of July was the Firefly Music Festival in Dover, Delaware. This was a 3 day, 4 night music festival. We went with 2 friends of ours who are currently living in NYC. It was so much fun. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. It was full 12 hour days of music, food, and like 30,000 other people. We camped outside the gates to the festival (not right next to them but only like 3 min walking distance away). I didn't shower for 4 days. We ate out of the back of my car and occasionally spent too much money on food inside the festival. We danced, sang, acted crazy, and just had a great time. I will definitely do something like that again. It was a blast. Words just can not describe the awesomeness of this trip.

The weekend directly after Firefly we drove to D.C. to attend the Liverpool match in Baltimore. Scott has a cousin that lives outside of D.C. that we stayed with for the weekend. It was really fun to get to spend time with them, I really like Scott's extended family a lot. The soccer match was...not my favorite thing and it was so hot that day...but we still had a good time. It was something we'll probably never see again (English Premiere League teams playing each other in America). And of course Scott enjoyed it immensely. (This is a terrible picture but I wanted to show you..it was bright and very hot...yayyyy)

Now its August and we have vowed not to go anywhere for a while. We have also put ourselves on a spending freeze. We are trying to buy a house so we need to save up money for a down payment. We actually found a house that we really want to buy but we have to get all this loan and credit stuff in order first so it might be a while. I'm trying not to worry to much and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. If things don't happen the want I want them to right now then I guess it's not supposed to happen right now and/or that's not the house for us. Either way we plan on leaving where we currently live and not resigning a lease. So if you're a praying person you can pray that we are led in the direction we are supposed to go with this whole house/living situation thing. Scott and I are trying to better ourselves in the month of August: spending, being healthy, etc. We shall see how this goes. I'll update again soon....hopefully.

A deep well.

I hate when little things make me really grumpy.

For instance, I've had an Iphone since January. I got a case as soon as I got my phone. Since I'm midly OCD when it comes to certain things, when my case got a little messed up I took it off and ordered a new one (this was about a month ago.) I also didn't want to spend a lot of money so I went on Amazon and found a case for $2.57, which was awesome. Little did I know that a month later it still wouldn't be here. Tonight I looked in my email at the confirmation that it sent and it said it won't be here until AUGUST 7TH!!!!! This seems a little ridiculous that it would take 2 months for a case to be here, granted it is coming from somewhere in China...go figure.

Now lets back up a little. From January until early June my phone didn't have a scratch on it. The 4 days after I ordered my new case I dropped it and it got a crack in the bottom right corner. No big deal. 2 days after that I dropped it in the toilet, which I have never done in my life - no lie. I put it in rice for a day and it was fine. Fast forward to today where I dropped it again and just put it back in my pocket without looking at it only later to realize that the whole back side of my phone is like a jigsaw puzzle.

Part of me feels like calling Amazon and complaining. What would I say? That its ridiculous that it would take 2 months for something to come to me. What am I supposed to do without a phone case for 2 months? 2 months!?!?!

***takes a deep breath***

I hate that this makes me so upset. Does it really matter that my phone is cracked to death? No...Yes....No, no it doesn't. I want it to matter. But it really doesn't. I'll just keep trying to tell myself that and maybe eventually I'll believe it.

As a kid (and even as an adult) when I fall apart a little things, like my phone cracking, my mom has always said, 'you have to have a deeper well than that.' You can't just let your whole world fall apart because one little thing tipped your scale a little to the right or left. This is really hard for me sometimes because sometimes the little things do seem to matter a lot. And we do live in a world where if everything isn't exactly the way you think it should be then it isn't right, according to you. What does having a deeper well mean, you might ask. It means not being empty. It means not filling yourself with things that don't matter. It means being full of things that do. For me and my family it means spending time in the Word, praying, singing, spending time in worship, spending time around people who are good influnces and who lift you up...etc. It means that when something stupid happens, like your phone breaking into a thousand pieces, you realize that there are more important things in life and when it comes down to it having a perfect Iphone isn't all its 'cracked' up to be.

You've probably heard something like 'don't sweat the small stuff.' Well having a well to draw from when things are falling apart is kinda like that. It means that when things aren't going your way you have a well, that is full of good, love, inspiration, Bible verses,....full of Jesus. This may sound really dumb but the Bible says we can cast all our cares and worries on Him. And I really believe that even my stupid Iphone being cracked (that even as I write still makes me upset) is a worry I can cast on Him. I think He cares about the small stupid stuff that I worry about.

So I'm gonna try to go to bed and cast the worries of this day on Him. (And hopefully get a new phone tomorrow. I'm still a work in progress:))

the flu.

Ahhhh!! The flu has taken over. In the past 2 days I have had 2 friends down plus 3 of their kids and now my husband is currently laying on the floor (he switches locations every couple hours or so.) He has a temp of over 100 and has been throwing up for a little over 12 hours. I went out and bought 4 bottles of Gatorade, also Sprite, and an anit-nausea medicine called Emetrol. It's very hot in my house because since Scott has a fever he turned the air off because he's cold. I'm about to sweat. And my dog is panting like he's been playing outside.

Being sick is like the worst thing ever. I especially hate it when my husband is sick. The poor little guy. He's not the type to act pitiful or ask me to get a ton of stuff for him and act like a big baby. He's very stoic. He's more the type of guy who hates asking for help, he gets this from his mother. :) But if you know me at all I'm like smothering him with help. I ask probably once every 20-30 min, 'Are you ok?' 'Can I get you anything?'...unless of course he's asleep then I just leave him alone and ask when he wakes up. I'm sure he loves it, right? This is just my personality. I want to help and nurture. It comes naturally, I don't have to try to nurture, I just do it.

Anyway, this is a meaningless post. I'm sitting on the couch, my dog, Ozzy, laying beside me, Finn is upstairs staying away from the craziness, as always, and Scott is passed out on the floor.

I have to go to work but what I really want to do is just stay home and take care of my little family.

Prayers appreciated for healing for Scott and my friends. :)

Fluff.

I've been trying to think about what to write about since my last post. I didn't want to just write something just to write. I felt like it should be meaningful and thought provoking. But then I sat down to write and I just didn't have anything popping into my head. Then I realized...it doesn't have to be thought provoking. I mean, not everything I think through out every single day is super deep or meaningful...sometimes its just fluff.

Fluff is ok. I mean - fluff is the stuff of life. (I just made that up.) I love the 'fluff' in my life. Just the little every day things that really don't hold a lot of vaule in the long run but right now, while we are living on this earth the fluff is what life is made of.

My mom always said there is meaning in everything, God is in everything, from a commercial, to a preview, to a random conversation with an employee at Target. My mom truly believes this and I have adopted these thoughts as well. This makes the 'fluff' actually not very 'fluffy.' What I mean is the 'fluff' that often doesn't seem important or meaningful, I feel actually is.

I love lazy Saturdays with Scott, my husband. I love taking my dog to the lake and being so proud that he can finally swim (he was very scared at first). I love when my cat jumps on my lap. I also love that they (my cat and dog, Finn and Ozzy) are finally starting to semi-get-along. I also love quality time with my friends having great talks and listening to dreams, hopes, prayers, and stories. I love soda, terrible habit, I know, but its the truth. I love McDonalds buffalo sauce....actually, I love anything buffalo. I love that at family birthdays (every single year) we go around the table and everyone says something they like (or a few things they like/love/enjoy) about the birthday boy/girl. I mean, who does that? (Speaking of birthdays - Scott turns 26 tomorrow! Yay!)

Its all of these things that make up my every day life. Its the little things and the big things and all the inbetween things.

I guess this post turned out to be meaningful after all.

to be free.

Free. What does it really mean to be free? For me, it has nothing to do with America. Shocker. That's a whole different topic of conversation. Or God, although God is in everything, but that also is not what this post is about. But instead, freedom for me comes from within myself.


I touched on my insecurity a little bit in my 'about me' and also in my last post, I've always been very insecure. You would never know it though by talking to me or seeing me on a daily basis. On the outside I was very confident, but on the inside I was constantly doubting myself. Constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking 'I'm not good enough' or 'I'm not as awesome as they are at {fill in the blank}' especially with my family. In a sense I was trapped within myself. Never able to reach the full potential of who I am.


It really wasn't until this past year that I really started to look at myself and wonder why I kept comparing myself to everyone around me and why I thought people really only knew me and/or liked me because they knew my famliy. I feel like instead of being 'Bethany' I was always Aaron and Jacob's sister, or I would say 'I'm Bethany, Brian and Donna's daughter.' All of those things are true, but I was never just me.


If you haven't read "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman, you should. I am a first born. Usually first borns are rule followers, see things in black and white, realists, etc. This is me. Except for the fact that I was raised by my mother, a 4th born, who is the most relaxed, non-worrysome, person I've ever met. I do have a lot of that in me as well, but I honestly think I'm more like my dad, a fellow first born. My siblings are way more like my mom. I was never like them. I was always the big sis who helped mom with the chores and the kids and knew the plan way ahead of time and made sure everyone got there and stayed in line and followed the rules. I would always compare myself to my siblings. Seeing how great they were. Like their talents and gifts made them better than me. (Sometimes I still think this is true.)


When I was thinking about something else to post I couldn't stop thinking about how much I've changed. Like I said, this past year has been an eye opener for me. It wasn't one specific event that caused me to wake up and say, "Dude, Bethany, what is your deal? You're awesome!" It definitely didn't happen like that. It was more like a series of events that told me, its ok to be who you are. Its ok not to be like the rest of your family. Its ok that you like rules and like to have a plan. Who cares if they think its weird?! I did. And I often still do. But I tell myself probably 10 times a day "Just be confident." Thats it. 3 little words.


I've totally changed, at least on the inside. I'm much more confident which has made my marriage better but its also made my friendships better. I'm not always worrying if people like me or if I'm gonna be left out. I'm just myself and you can take it or leave it. I'm working out like 4 times a week. Which, if you knew me you'd know this is crazy. Working out has only helped my confidence level. (I work out at Kadi Fit in Cornelius, its amazing.)


Anyway, enough rambling. All that up there to say that I feel free now, or free-er. I totally trapped myself inside of myself. What does it mean to be free? To dance around like a crazy person and not care what people think. To walk around my house naked and not try to cover myself up. To actually go to the pool in public. To sing confidently. To make jokes and laugh even when no one is listening. To stand up tall and say, I am awesome.


This is what my personal freedom is.

to read or not to read? (to watch or not to watch?)

Everyone is talking about "50 Shades of Grey" and I mean everyone. I was laying in bed a few mornings ago and I was thinking about this book as well as the movie Magic Mike. For some reason America feels that the women in it are so sex deprived that they have to write a book and make a movie to make women swoon. I have gone back and forth on this issue of reading this book and going to see this movie. I have decided on 'no' to both. I can't exactly put a finger on the reason why. There are a few, I suppose. One being that I can't imagine my husband going out and seeing a movie that had a bunch of female strippers prancing around in almost nothing.

My husband and I have a very good relationship. We aren't perfect by any means, but we communicate, we love each other, we have fun together....we are best friends. We have been married almost 3 years and it hasn't always been easy. We have gone to counseling once for a period of time, not because we were on the brink of separation, but because we needed to learn how to better communicate. I also should mention that we both believe in and love Jesus. This is a huge part of our relationship. And another huge reason as to why I feel convicted not to read this book or see the movie, Magic Mike.

The other day my husband said to me "If you go see Magic Mike I am going to stay home and watch porn all day." He was joking, but it made me think. Am I ok with him staying home and watching porn all day? My answer is no (for a lot of reasons.)  A lot of people think that its totally ok for couples to do this. I however do not. We have a great sex life and I don't feel like we need to seek this 'pleasure' in any other way than with each other. It would totally bother me if he stayed home and watched porn all day just so I could go see a movie with a bunch of really hot guys. As I thought about this, I also thought about the book "50 Shades of Grey." Its basically the same thing, just with WAY more detail.

I have read excerpts from the book online, and whoa. Of course its arousing and I wanted to read more, I mean who wouldn't? Our bodies were made to want sex and pleasure, and its not wrong to want this. I just feel like I can't justify reading this book and watching Magic Mike. I can't think of one single reason of how my life would be improved by doing either of these things. Do I want to see the movie? Yes. Do I want to read the book? Absolutely. But I feel a resounding voice in my head saying, you really don't need to.

Like I said - I can't fully explain my reasons for not reading these books or going to see Magic Mike. I just feel overwhelmingly convited not to. I do not judge you if you have read the books or seen the movie. In fact, if I'm being honest, I sort of envy you. I just can't do it. I read this quote and it made me think, 'exactly.'

 "I wouldn’t drive my Envoy into the front of an oncoming semi-truck any more than I would open the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I love my marriage, my God, and myself too much." [Dannah Gresh]

My reasoning is weak and my presentation even weaker, but these are my thoughts. You may think I'm weird, or prude, or any number of things. But I don't really care. Like I said in my "about me" paragraph...I'm ok with who I am and the things I believe in. I haven't always been confident, and I'm still insecure in many ways, but right now, I'm totally ok with my decision. It doesn't have to be your decision, and I'm not even trying to change your mind, or the worlds mind. But this is my mind and its made up.