Free. What does it really mean to be free? For me, it has nothing to do with America. Shocker. That's a whole different topic of conversation. Or God, although God is in everything, but that also is not what this post is about. But instead, freedom for me comes from within myself.
I touched on my insecurity a little bit in my 'about me' and also in my last post, I've always been very insecure. You would never know it though by talking to me or seeing me on a daily basis. On the outside I was very confident, but on the inside I was constantly doubting myself. Constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking 'I'm not good enough' or 'I'm not as awesome as they are at {fill in the blank}' especially with my family. In a sense I was trapped within myself. Never able to reach the full potential of who I am.
It really wasn't until this past year that I really started to look at myself and wonder why I kept comparing myself to everyone around me and why I thought people really only knew me and/or liked me because they knew my famliy. I feel like instead of being 'Bethany' I was always Aaron and Jacob's sister, or I would say 'I'm Bethany, Brian and Donna's daughter.' All of those things are true, but I was never just me.
If you haven't read "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman, you should. I am a first born. Usually first borns are rule followers, see things in black and white, realists, etc. This is me. Except for the fact that I was raised by my mother, a 4th born, who is the most relaxed, non-worrysome, person I've ever met. I do have a lot of that in me as well, but I honestly think I'm more like my dad, a fellow first born. My siblings are way more like my mom. I was never like them. I was always the big sis who helped mom with the chores and the kids and knew the plan way ahead of time and made sure everyone got there and stayed in line and followed the rules. I would always compare myself to my siblings. Seeing how great they were. Like their talents and gifts made them better than me. (Sometimes I still think this is true.)
When I was thinking about something else to post I couldn't stop thinking about how much I've changed. Like I said, this past year has been an eye opener for me. It wasn't one specific event that caused me to wake up and say, "Dude, Bethany, what is your deal? You're awesome!" It definitely didn't happen like that. It was more like a series of events that told me, its ok to be who you are. Its ok not to be like the rest of your family. Its ok that you like rules and like to have a plan. Who cares if they think its weird?! I did. And I often still do. But I tell myself probably 10 times a day "Just be confident." Thats it. 3 little words.
I've totally changed, at least on the inside. I'm much more confident which has made my marriage better but its also made my friendships better. I'm not always worrying if people like me or if I'm gonna be left out. I'm just myself and you can take it or leave it. I'm working out like 4 times a week. Which, if you knew me you'd know this is crazy. Working out has only helped my confidence level. (I work out at Kadi Fit in Cornelius, its amazing.)
Anyway, enough rambling. All that up there to say that I feel free now, or free-er. I totally trapped myself inside of myself. What does it mean to be free? To dance around like a crazy person and not care what people think. To walk around my house naked and not try to cover myself up. To actually go to the pool in public. To sing confidently. To make jokes and laugh even when no one is listening. To stand up tall and say, I am awesome.
This is what my personal freedom is.
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