Seeking help.

I've being going to church literally since the week I was born. My dad is in ministry, always has been. When I was born he was a youth minister, when we moved to Oklahoma he was the music minister then became a preaching pastor. We moved to North Carolina when I was 14 to plant a church and my dad was the lead pastor, my mother was the creative arts leader, eventually my brother Jacob and her led the worship together, and this is the life I've always known. So knowing this about me you'd think I had this whole "being a Christian" thing down pat. This is not the case.

I am about to tell you something very personal and something I daily struggle with. Prayer. Prayer? Yes, prayer. It seems so simple. I mean, its just talking to God. I'm really great at talking to people, in fact, it is one of my greatest strengths. I thrive on relationships. If I'm not around people I get really down in the dumps. I do best in jobs where I am surrounded by people, talking, creating relationships, helping, loving, etc. I've never really had someone not like me (ok, once but that girl was crazy.) I'm really good at making phone calls (my mom makes me make them all the time for her.) Ok - so you get it, I'm a relationship people person and I'm really good at talking.

So why is it so hard for me to talk to God? This is the question I am asking myself right now. I think I know the answer. I don't think its because I'm afraid changes will take place in my life that I'm not prepared for, I'm ready for answers and change. I don't think its because I don't know how to pray. I grew up praying. I went to Bible College. I should be a pro. I think its two things. The first being that I feel like I'd rather have someone else pray on my behalf, which I don't think is wrong. I think also that I'm afraid to get quiet. Every time I try to have 'quiet time' it turns into something else. I start thinking, planning, making lists of things I need to do, cleaning, listening to music, or anything to keep it from being quiet. I don't, however, know why I am afraid of quiet.

I am afraid to pray. I don't know why. I feel like when I try I don't know what to say. Usually I end up just sitting there not saying anything and in a puddle of tears. I have a lot of things I want to pray for, but at the same time, I don't like only praying when I need/want something. We had prayer breakfast this morning and we talked about the Lord's prayer. My mom heard a sermon from Andy Stanley and he talked about and went through the whole Lord's prayer and broke it down. One thing she said this morning and that Andy said in his sermon really stood out to me, " Before we get to my kingdom...I need to be and get to the point where I am more Committed to His kingdom and His will than I am my own. I am not here to make you bend in my direction, I am here to make sure I am bent in your direction."

Wow.

I literally just realized that I think that right there is my problem. I am not committed to HIS kingdom. Do I believe it? Yes absolutely. Do I live it? I really try to live the way I should and spread His Word and Love and Truth. But am I really living it on the inside? In daily life? No. I am not praying every day. I don't read my Bible often. I do pray - but its like 1 second prayers when I'm thinking about something I need. I think I pray most often when I am praying for others, which is fine, but I am not surrendering myself to Him. There are a lot of things in my life right now that are just not going anywhere. There is a lot of change I want to happen but nothing is happening. I need to lay it down. It's just so hard. And I don't even know why its hard. Somethings holding me back from totally letting go. I'm afraid to pray. I have no idea why. I don't even really think my will is better than His. I totally know that His way is better than mine will ever be. So what is stopping me from giving it up and praying? I literally can not pray out loud. It's so weird. Words do not come out. I just sit there and try to pray in my head and usually end up thinking about other things.

What is wrong with me? I know God. I know His Grace, Love, Truth, Power...etc. I'm at church every Sunday and I've been going since I wasn't even one. So why do I struggle so much in my personal walk? Is it because I've been letting other people do it for me? Am I really afraid? What's the deeper issue?

These are questions I am asking myself, God, and you....if you have any advice. Thanks for letting my share my heart and struggle. We are all humans, after all.