A deep well.

I hate when little things make me really grumpy.

For instance, I've had an Iphone since January. I got a case as soon as I got my phone. Since I'm midly OCD when it comes to certain things, when my case got a little messed up I took it off and ordered a new one (this was about a month ago.) I also didn't want to spend a lot of money so I went on Amazon and found a case for $2.57, which was awesome. Little did I know that a month later it still wouldn't be here. Tonight I looked in my email at the confirmation that it sent and it said it won't be here until AUGUST 7TH!!!!! This seems a little ridiculous that it would take 2 months for a case to be here, granted it is coming from somewhere in China...go figure.

Now lets back up a little. From January until early June my phone didn't have a scratch on it. The 4 days after I ordered my new case I dropped it and it got a crack in the bottom right corner. No big deal. 2 days after that I dropped it in the toilet, which I have never done in my life - no lie. I put it in rice for a day and it was fine. Fast forward to today where I dropped it again and just put it back in my pocket without looking at it only later to realize that the whole back side of my phone is like a jigsaw puzzle.

Part of me feels like calling Amazon and complaining. What would I say? That its ridiculous that it would take 2 months for something to come to me. What am I supposed to do without a phone case for 2 months? 2 months!?!?!

***takes a deep breath***

I hate that this makes me so upset. Does it really matter that my phone is cracked to death? No...Yes....No, no it doesn't. I want it to matter. But it really doesn't. I'll just keep trying to tell myself that and maybe eventually I'll believe it.

As a kid (and even as an adult) when I fall apart a little things, like my phone cracking, my mom has always said, 'you have to have a deeper well than that.' You can't just let your whole world fall apart because one little thing tipped your scale a little to the right or left. This is really hard for me sometimes because sometimes the little things do seem to matter a lot. And we do live in a world where if everything isn't exactly the way you think it should be then it isn't right, according to you. What does having a deeper well mean, you might ask. It means not being empty. It means not filling yourself with things that don't matter. It means being full of things that do. For me and my family it means spending time in the Word, praying, singing, spending time in worship, spending time around people who are good influnces and who lift you up...etc. It means that when something stupid happens, like your phone breaking into a thousand pieces, you realize that there are more important things in life and when it comes down to it having a perfect Iphone isn't all its 'cracked' up to be.

You've probably heard something like 'don't sweat the small stuff.' Well having a well to draw from when things are falling apart is kinda like that. It means that when things aren't going your way you have a well, that is full of good, love, inspiration, Bible verses,....full of Jesus. This may sound really dumb but the Bible says we can cast all our cares and worries on Him. And I really believe that even my stupid Iphone being cracked (that even as I write still makes me upset) is a worry I can cast on Him. I think He cares about the small stupid stuff that I worry about.

So I'm gonna try to go to bed and cast the worries of this day on Him. (And hopefully get a new phone tomorrow. I'm still a work in progress:))

the flu.

Ahhhh!! The flu has taken over. In the past 2 days I have had 2 friends down plus 3 of their kids and now my husband is currently laying on the floor (he switches locations every couple hours or so.) He has a temp of over 100 and has been throwing up for a little over 12 hours. I went out and bought 4 bottles of Gatorade, also Sprite, and an anit-nausea medicine called Emetrol. It's very hot in my house because since Scott has a fever he turned the air off because he's cold. I'm about to sweat. And my dog is panting like he's been playing outside.

Being sick is like the worst thing ever. I especially hate it when my husband is sick. The poor little guy. He's not the type to act pitiful or ask me to get a ton of stuff for him and act like a big baby. He's very stoic. He's more the type of guy who hates asking for help, he gets this from his mother. :) But if you know me at all I'm like smothering him with help. I ask probably once every 20-30 min, 'Are you ok?' 'Can I get you anything?'...unless of course he's asleep then I just leave him alone and ask when he wakes up. I'm sure he loves it, right? This is just my personality. I want to help and nurture. It comes naturally, I don't have to try to nurture, I just do it.

Anyway, this is a meaningless post. I'm sitting on the couch, my dog, Ozzy, laying beside me, Finn is upstairs staying away from the craziness, as always, and Scott is passed out on the floor.

I have to go to work but what I really want to do is just stay home and take care of my little family.

Prayers appreciated for healing for Scott and my friends. :)

Fluff.

I've been trying to think about what to write about since my last post. I didn't want to just write something just to write. I felt like it should be meaningful and thought provoking. But then I sat down to write and I just didn't have anything popping into my head. Then I realized...it doesn't have to be thought provoking. I mean, not everything I think through out every single day is super deep or meaningful...sometimes its just fluff.

Fluff is ok. I mean - fluff is the stuff of life. (I just made that up.) I love the 'fluff' in my life. Just the little every day things that really don't hold a lot of vaule in the long run but right now, while we are living on this earth the fluff is what life is made of.

My mom always said there is meaning in everything, God is in everything, from a commercial, to a preview, to a random conversation with an employee at Target. My mom truly believes this and I have adopted these thoughts as well. This makes the 'fluff' actually not very 'fluffy.' What I mean is the 'fluff' that often doesn't seem important or meaningful, I feel actually is.

I love lazy Saturdays with Scott, my husband. I love taking my dog to the lake and being so proud that he can finally swim (he was very scared at first). I love when my cat jumps on my lap. I also love that they (my cat and dog, Finn and Ozzy) are finally starting to semi-get-along. I also love quality time with my friends having great talks and listening to dreams, hopes, prayers, and stories. I love soda, terrible habit, I know, but its the truth. I love McDonalds buffalo sauce....actually, I love anything buffalo. I love that at family birthdays (every single year) we go around the table and everyone says something they like (or a few things they like/love/enjoy) about the birthday boy/girl. I mean, who does that? (Speaking of birthdays - Scott turns 26 tomorrow! Yay!)

Its all of these things that make up my every day life. Its the little things and the big things and all the inbetween things.

I guess this post turned out to be meaningful after all.

to be free.

Free. What does it really mean to be free? For me, it has nothing to do with America. Shocker. That's a whole different topic of conversation. Or God, although God is in everything, but that also is not what this post is about. But instead, freedom for me comes from within myself.


I touched on my insecurity a little bit in my 'about me' and also in my last post, I've always been very insecure. You would never know it though by talking to me or seeing me on a daily basis. On the outside I was very confident, but on the inside I was constantly doubting myself. Constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking 'I'm not good enough' or 'I'm not as awesome as they are at {fill in the blank}' especially with my family. In a sense I was trapped within myself. Never able to reach the full potential of who I am.


It really wasn't until this past year that I really started to look at myself and wonder why I kept comparing myself to everyone around me and why I thought people really only knew me and/or liked me because they knew my famliy. I feel like instead of being 'Bethany' I was always Aaron and Jacob's sister, or I would say 'I'm Bethany, Brian and Donna's daughter.' All of those things are true, but I was never just me.


If you haven't read "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman, you should. I am a first born. Usually first borns are rule followers, see things in black and white, realists, etc. This is me. Except for the fact that I was raised by my mother, a 4th born, who is the most relaxed, non-worrysome, person I've ever met. I do have a lot of that in me as well, but I honestly think I'm more like my dad, a fellow first born. My siblings are way more like my mom. I was never like them. I was always the big sis who helped mom with the chores and the kids and knew the plan way ahead of time and made sure everyone got there and stayed in line and followed the rules. I would always compare myself to my siblings. Seeing how great they were. Like their talents and gifts made them better than me. (Sometimes I still think this is true.)


When I was thinking about something else to post I couldn't stop thinking about how much I've changed. Like I said, this past year has been an eye opener for me. It wasn't one specific event that caused me to wake up and say, "Dude, Bethany, what is your deal? You're awesome!" It definitely didn't happen like that. It was more like a series of events that told me, its ok to be who you are. Its ok not to be like the rest of your family. Its ok that you like rules and like to have a plan. Who cares if they think its weird?! I did. And I often still do. But I tell myself probably 10 times a day "Just be confident." Thats it. 3 little words.


I've totally changed, at least on the inside. I'm much more confident which has made my marriage better but its also made my friendships better. I'm not always worrying if people like me or if I'm gonna be left out. I'm just myself and you can take it or leave it. I'm working out like 4 times a week. Which, if you knew me you'd know this is crazy. Working out has only helped my confidence level. (I work out at Kadi Fit in Cornelius, its amazing.)


Anyway, enough rambling. All that up there to say that I feel free now, or free-er. I totally trapped myself inside of myself. What does it mean to be free? To dance around like a crazy person and not care what people think. To walk around my house naked and not try to cover myself up. To actually go to the pool in public. To sing confidently. To make jokes and laugh even when no one is listening. To stand up tall and say, I am awesome.


This is what my personal freedom is.

to read or not to read? (to watch or not to watch?)

Everyone is talking about "50 Shades of Grey" and I mean everyone. I was laying in bed a few mornings ago and I was thinking about this book as well as the movie Magic Mike. For some reason America feels that the women in it are so sex deprived that they have to write a book and make a movie to make women swoon. I have gone back and forth on this issue of reading this book and going to see this movie. I have decided on 'no' to both. I can't exactly put a finger on the reason why. There are a few, I suppose. One being that I can't imagine my husband going out and seeing a movie that had a bunch of female strippers prancing around in almost nothing.

My husband and I have a very good relationship. We aren't perfect by any means, but we communicate, we love each other, we have fun together....we are best friends. We have been married almost 3 years and it hasn't always been easy. We have gone to counseling once for a period of time, not because we were on the brink of separation, but because we needed to learn how to better communicate. I also should mention that we both believe in and love Jesus. This is a huge part of our relationship. And another huge reason as to why I feel convicted not to read this book or see the movie, Magic Mike.

The other day my husband said to me "If you go see Magic Mike I am going to stay home and watch porn all day." He was joking, but it made me think. Am I ok with him staying home and watching porn all day? My answer is no (for a lot of reasons.)  A lot of people think that its totally ok for couples to do this. I however do not. We have a great sex life and I don't feel like we need to seek this 'pleasure' in any other way than with each other. It would totally bother me if he stayed home and watched porn all day just so I could go see a movie with a bunch of really hot guys. As I thought about this, I also thought about the book "50 Shades of Grey." Its basically the same thing, just with WAY more detail.

I have read excerpts from the book online, and whoa. Of course its arousing and I wanted to read more, I mean who wouldn't? Our bodies were made to want sex and pleasure, and its not wrong to want this. I just feel like I can't justify reading this book and watching Magic Mike. I can't think of one single reason of how my life would be improved by doing either of these things. Do I want to see the movie? Yes. Do I want to read the book? Absolutely. But I feel a resounding voice in my head saying, you really don't need to.

Like I said - I can't fully explain my reasons for not reading these books or going to see Magic Mike. I just feel overwhelmingly convited not to. I do not judge you if you have read the books or seen the movie. In fact, if I'm being honest, I sort of envy you. I just can't do it. I read this quote and it made me think, 'exactly.'

 "I wouldn’t drive my Envoy into the front of an oncoming semi-truck any more than I would open the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I love my marriage, my God, and myself too much." [Dannah Gresh]

My reasoning is weak and my presentation even weaker, but these are my thoughts. You may think I'm weird, or prude, or any number of things. But I don't really care. Like I said in my "about me" paragraph...I'm ok with who I am and the things I believe in. I haven't always been confident, and I'm still insecure in many ways, but right now, I'm totally ok with my decision. It doesn't have to be your decision, and I'm not even trying to change your mind, or the worlds mind. But this is my mind and its made up.