Free. What does it really mean to be free? For me, it has nothing to do with America. Shocker. That's a whole different topic of conversation. Or God, although God is in everything, but that also is not what this post is about. But instead, freedom for me comes from within myself.
I touched on my insecurity a little bit in my 'about me' and also in my last post, I've always been very insecure. You would never know it though by talking to me or seeing me on a daily basis. On the outside I was very confident, but on the inside I was constantly doubting myself. Constantly comparing myself to other people and thinking 'I'm not good enough' or 'I'm not as awesome as they are at {fill in the blank}' especially with my family. In a sense I was trapped within myself. Never able to reach the full potential of who I am.
It really wasn't until this past year that I really started to look at myself and wonder why I kept comparing myself to everyone around me and why I thought people really only knew me and/or liked me because they knew my famliy. I feel like instead of being 'Bethany' I was always Aaron and Jacob's sister, or I would say 'I'm Bethany, Brian and Donna's daughter.' All of those things are true, but I was never just me.
If you haven't read "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman, you should. I am a first born. Usually first borns are rule followers, see things in black and white, realists, etc. This is me. Except for the fact that I was raised by my mother, a 4th born, who is the most relaxed, non-worrysome, person I've ever met. I do have a lot of that in me as well, but I honestly think I'm more like my dad, a fellow first born. My siblings are way more like my mom. I was never like them. I was always the big sis who helped mom with the chores and the kids and knew the plan way ahead of time and made sure everyone got there and stayed in line and followed the rules. I would always compare myself to my siblings. Seeing how great they were. Like their talents and gifts made them better than me. (Sometimes I still think this is true.)
When I was thinking about something else to post I couldn't stop thinking about how much I've changed. Like I said, this past year has been an eye opener for me. It wasn't one specific event that caused me to wake up and say, "Dude, Bethany, what is your deal? You're awesome!" It definitely didn't happen like that. It was more like a series of events that told me, its ok to be who you are. Its ok not to be like the rest of your family. Its ok that you like rules and like to have a plan. Who cares if they think its weird?! I did. And I often still do. But I tell myself probably 10 times a day "Just be confident." Thats it. 3 little words.
I've totally changed, at least on the inside. I'm much more confident which has made my marriage better but its also made my friendships better. I'm not always worrying if people like me or if I'm gonna be left out. I'm just myself and you can take it or leave it. I'm working out like 4 times a week. Which, if you knew me you'd know this is crazy. Working out has only helped my confidence level. (I work out at Kadi Fit in Cornelius, its amazing.)
Anyway, enough rambling. All that up there to say that I feel free now, or free-er. I totally trapped myself inside of myself. What does it mean to be free? To dance around like a crazy person and not care what people think. To walk around my house naked and not try to cover myself up. To actually go to the pool in public. To sing confidently. To make jokes and laugh even when no one is listening. To stand up tall and say, I am awesome.
This is what my personal freedom is.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
to read or not to read? (to watch or not to watch?)
Everyone is talking about "50 Shades of Grey" and I mean everyone. I was laying in bed a few mornings ago and I was thinking about this book as well as the movie Magic Mike. For some reason America feels that the women in it are so sex deprived that they have to write a book and make a movie to make women swoon. I have gone back and forth on this issue of reading this book and going to see this movie. I have decided on 'no' to both. I can't exactly put a finger on the reason why. There are a few, I suppose. One being that I can't imagine my husband going out and seeing a movie that had a bunch of female strippers prancing around in almost nothing.
My husband and I have a very good relationship. We aren't perfect by any means, but we communicate, we love each other, we have fun together....we are best friends. We have been married almost 3 years and it hasn't always been easy. We have gone to counseling once for a period of time, not because we were on the brink of separation, but because we needed to learn how to better communicate. I also should mention that we both believe in and love Jesus. This is a huge part of our relationship. And another huge reason as to why I feel convicted not to read this book or see the movie, Magic Mike.
The other day my husband said to me "If you go see Magic Mike I am going to stay home and watch porn all day." He was joking, but it made me think. Am I ok with him staying home and watching porn all day? My answer is no (for a lot of reasons.) A lot of people think that its totally ok for couples to do this. I however do not. We have a great sex life and I don't feel like we need to seek this 'pleasure' in any other way than with each other. It would totally bother me if he stayed home and watched porn all day just so I could go see a movie with a bunch of really hot guys. As I thought about this, I also thought about the book "50 Shades of Grey." Its basically the same thing, just with WAY more detail.
I have read excerpts from the book online, and whoa. Of course its arousing and I wanted to read more, I mean who wouldn't? Our bodies were made to want sex and pleasure, and its not wrong to want this. I just feel like I can't justify reading this book and watching Magic Mike. I can't think of one single reason of how my life would be improved by doing either of these things. Do I want to see the movie? Yes. Do I want to read the book? Absolutely. But I feel a resounding voice in my head saying, you really don't need to.
Like I said - I can't fully explain my reasons for not reading these books or going to see Magic Mike. I just feel overwhelmingly convited not to. I do not judge you if you have read the books or seen the movie. In fact, if I'm being honest, I sort of envy you. I just can't do it. I read this quote and it made me think, 'exactly.'
"I wouldn’t drive my Envoy into the front of an oncoming semi-truck any more than I would open the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I love my marriage, my God, and myself too much." [Dannah Gresh]
My reasoning is weak and my presentation even weaker, but these are my thoughts. You may think I'm weird, or prude, or any number of things. But I don't really care. Like I said in my "about me" paragraph...I'm ok with who I am and the things I believe in. I haven't always been confident, and I'm still insecure in many ways, but right now, I'm totally ok with my decision. It doesn't have to be your decision, and I'm not even trying to change your mind, or the worlds mind. But this is my mind and its made up.
My husband and I have a very good relationship. We aren't perfect by any means, but we communicate, we love each other, we have fun together....we are best friends. We have been married almost 3 years and it hasn't always been easy. We have gone to counseling once for a period of time, not because we were on the brink of separation, but because we needed to learn how to better communicate. I also should mention that we both believe in and love Jesus. This is a huge part of our relationship. And another huge reason as to why I feel convicted not to read this book or see the movie, Magic Mike.
The other day my husband said to me "If you go see Magic Mike I am going to stay home and watch porn all day." He was joking, but it made me think. Am I ok with him staying home and watching porn all day? My answer is no (for a lot of reasons.) A lot of people think that its totally ok for couples to do this. I however do not. We have a great sex life and I don't feel like we need to seek this 'pleasure' in any other way than with each other. It would totally bother me if he stayed home and watched porn all day just so I could go see a movie with a bunch of really hot guys. As I thought about this, I also thought about the book "50 Shades of Grey." Its basically the same thing, just with WAY more detail.
I have read excerpts from the book online, and whoa. Of course its arousing and I wanted to read more, I mean who wouldn't? Our bodies were made to want sex and pleasure, and its not wrong to want this. I just feel like I can't justify reading this book and watching Magic Mike. I can't think of one single reason of how my life would be improved by doing either of these things. Do I want to see the movie? Yes. Do I want to read the book? Absolutely. But I feel a resounding voice in my head saying, you really don't need to.
Like I said - I can't fully explain my reasons for not reading these books or going to see Magic Mike. I just feel overwhelmingly convited not to. I do not judge you if you have read the books or seen the movie. In fact, if I'm being honest, I sort of envy you. I just can't do it. I read this quote and it made me think, 'exactly.'
"I wouldn’t drive my Envoy into the front of an oncoming semi-truck any more than I would open the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey. I love my marriage, my God, and myself too much." [Dannah Gresh]
My reasoning is weak and my presentation even weaker, but these are my thoughts. You may think I'm weird, or prude, or any number of things. But I don't really care. Like I said in my "about me" paragraph...I'm ok with who I am and the things I believe in. I haven't always been confident, and I'm still insecure in many ways, but right now, I'm totally ok with my decision. It doesn't have to be your decision, and I'm not even trying to change your mind, or the worlds mind. But this is my mind and its made up.
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