Shout out to Tiffany

I have an awesome friend who kind of came out of no where. In July 2011 I started working at a day care/preschool after transitioning out of a nanny job. After being there for a week or two I had seen this girl a few times and it was weird but I felt like I knew her from somewhere. Don't you hate when you get that feeling like you know someone but you have no idea how or from where you know them?! So after a day or two of contemplating this I decided just to ask. So I said, "Hey,  you look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere?" She promptly and with a little bit of attitude said, "Yea, I knew you back when we were 14 and lived in the same apartment complex. You were mean to me one day and so we stopped being friends." Or something like that.

How rude, right? Well Tiffany is one of the most blunt people that I know. She always tells you the truth even if its not what you want to hear. That's one thing (among many) that I love about her. Our relationship just blossomed over the next few months. In January we were in a friends wedding together (after only knowing both of them for under 6 months). We got pretty close pretty fast and have stayed that way since, even after we both quit the daycare. It helps however that I can literally walk to her house in under a minute.

Why am I blogging about my friend, you might ask? Well I was sitting here thinking about her and how I love our relationship. I can go to her any time of day and pour my heart out. She always tells me exactly what I need to hear. Sometimes its what I want to hear and sometimes its not what I want to hear but its the truth. Whether it be the happiest thing or the saddest, she listens. We laugh together and cry together.

So the other day, after I posted about my struggle with prayer, Tiffany and I talked about it. We both share a lot of similar struggles when it comes to our relationship with God. So after sharing our thoughts on my post and things we've thought about lately we decided (her idea) that we should meet up and pray together and/or talk about a scripture we read and/or read a book together, etc. I mean, we already see each other basically every day so why not make it purposeful?

I just love that I have an awesome friend who I can be vulnerable and real with and instead of being like wow you're really screwed up she's like, 'let's work on this together because I really struggle too.' I love that. So much. Our first purposeful meeting is tomorrow morning and I'm pretty excited. I'm even going to make breakfast. I'm so glad God brought us back together, even after I was mean to her as a 14 year old....so she says.

(By the way...Tiffany blogs too... http://vivaciousinred.blogspot.com/)

Seeking help.

I've being going to church literally since the week I was born. My dad is in ministry, always has been. When I was born he was a youth minister, when we moved to Oklahoma he was the music minister then became a preaching pastor. We moved to North Carolina when I was 14 to plant a church and my dad was the lead pastor, my mother was the creative arts leader, eventually my brother Jacob and her led the worship together, and this is the life I've always known. So knowing this about me you'd think I had this whole "being a Christian" thing down pat. This is not the case.

I am about to tell you something very personal and something I daily struggle with. Prayer. Prayer? Yes, prayer. It seems so simple. I mean, its just talking to God. I'm really great at talking to people, in fact, it is one of my greatest strengths. I thrive on relationships. If I'm not around people I get really down in the dumps. I do best in jobs where I am surrounded by people, talking, creating relationships, helping, loving, etc. I've never really had someone not like me (ok, once but that girl was crazy.) I'm really good at making phone calls (my mom makes me make them all the time for her.) Ok - so you get it, I'm a relationship people person and I'm really good at talking.

So why is it so hard for me to talk to God? This is the question I am asking myself right now. I think I know the answer. I don't think its because I'm afraid changes will take place in my life that I'm not prepared for, I'm ready for answers and change. I don't think its because I don't know how to pray. I grew up praying. I went to Bible College. I should be a pro. I think its two things. The first being that I feel like I'd rather have someone else pray on my behalf, which I don't think is wrong. I think also that I'm afraid to get quiet. Every time I try to have 'quiet time' it turns into something else. I start thinking, planning, making lists of things I need to do, cleaning, listening to music, or anything to keep it from being quiet. I don't, however, know why I am afraid of quiet.

I am afraid to pray. I don't know why. I feel like when I try I don't know what to say. Usually I end up just sitting there not saying anything and in a puddle of tears. I have a lot of things I want to pray for, but at the same time, I don't like only praying when I need/want something. We had prayer breakfast this morning and we talked about the Lord's prayer. My mom heard a sermon from Andy Stanley and he talked about and went through the whole Lord's prayer and broke it down. One thing she said this morning and that Andy said in his sermon really stood out to me, " Before we get to my kingdom...I need to be and get to the point where I am more Committed to His kingdom and His will than I am my own. I am not here to make you bend in my direction, I am here to make sure I am bent in your direction."

Wow.

I literally just realized that I think that right there is my problem. I am not committed to HIS kingdom. Do I believe it? Yes absolutely. Do I live it? I really try to live the way I should and spread His Word and Love and Truth. But am I really living it on the inside? In daily life? No. I am not praying every day. I don't read my Bible often. I do pray - but its like 1 second prayers when I'm thinking about something I need. I think I pray most often when I am praying for others, which is fine, but I am not surrendering myself to Him. There are a lot of things in my life right now that are just not going anywhere. There is a lot of change I want to happen but nothing is happening. I need to lay it down. It's just so hard. And I don't even know why its hard. Somethings holding me back from totally letting go. I'm afraid to pray. I have no idea why. I don't even really think my will is better than His. I totally know that His way is better than mine will ever be. So what is stopping me from giving it up and praying? I literally can not pray out loud. It's so weird. Words do not come out. I just sit there and try to pray in my head and usually end up thinking about other things.

What is wrong with me? I know God. I know His Grace, Love, Truth, Power...etc. I'm at church every Sunday and I've been going since I wasn't even one. So why do I struggle so much in my personal walk? Is it because I've been letting other people do it for me? Am I really afraid? What's the deeper issue?

These are questions I am asking myself, God, and you....if you have any advice. Thanks for letting my share my heart and struggle. We are all humans, after all.

July.

It has been a very busy month for Scott (my husband) and I, hence me not blogging that often. I find that I am not one of those people that sits at the computer for hours on end reading articles (like my husband), or looking on Pinterest (like...everyone I know). Rather, I usually just use my phone if I need to look something up or I'm using it to look at Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Because of this I am not often at my computer to blog. I don't like using my phone to blog because it just takes too long to type out. All that to say - I'm sorry its been so long. Not that you've missed me or anything

Anyway, back to July. Wow. The beginning of July started out like any other month. HOT. Then comes July 9th which is Scott's 26th birthday. I love birthdays...Scott not so much. He'd be fine sitting at home drinking a craft beer and relaxing. I however want a party, I want everyone to know it's his birthday and I'm so excited about it! But this year we kept it low key per his request. He had to work so my parents, sister, and I met him for lunch at Shane's Rib Shack (his choice). We had a couple gifts for him. My parents got him a shirt, and a book, and we went in together on 2 tickets to see Liverpool (a soccer team from England) play in Baltimore on July 28th. He already knew we were going to do that, but he didn't know I had bought the tickets so it was a semi surprise. After Scott got off work I picked him up and we went to eat dinner at the Cajun Queen in Charlotte. If you haven't been there you need to go immediately (but save up some money first because its a little pricey...but SO worth it). This place is awesome. It's in a little old house and they serve the best cajun food. At dinner I also gave Scott a new wedding band since he lost his back in March. He was surprise and actually really liked the one I picked out - plain and simple.

The next great adventure of July was the Firefly Music Festival in Dover, Delaware. This was a 3 day, 4 night music festival. We went with 2 friends of ours who are currently living in NYC. It was so much fun. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. It was full 12 hour days of music, food, and like 30,000 other people. We camped outside the gates to the festival (not right next to them but only like 3 min walking distance away). I didn't shower for 4 days. We ate out of the back of my car and occasionally spent too much money on food inside the festival. We danced, sang, acted crazy, and just had a great time. I will definitely do something like that again. It was a blast. Words just can not describe the awesomeness of this trip.

The weekend directly after Firefly we drove to D.C. to attend the Liverpool match in Baltimore. Scott has a cousin that lives outside of D.C. that we stayed with for the weekend. It was really fun to get to spend time with them, I really like Scott's extended family a lot. The soccer match was...not my favorite thing and it was so hot that day...but we still had a good time. It was something we'll probably never see again (English Premiere League teams playing each other in America). And of course Scott enjoyed it immensely. (This is a terrible picture but I wanted to show you..it was bright and very hot...yayyyy)

Now its August and we have vowed not to go anywhere for a while. We have also put ourselves on a spending freeze. We are trying to buy a house so we need to save up money for a down payment. We actually found a house that we really want to buy but we have to get all this loan and credit stuff in order first so it might be a while. I'm trying not to worry to much and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. If things don't happen the want I want them to right now then I guess it's not supposed to happen right now and/or that's not the house for us. Either way we plan on leaving where we currently live and not resigning a lease. So if you're a praying person you can pray that we are led in the direction we are supposed to go with this whole house/living situation thing. Scott and I are trying to better ourselves in the month of August: spending, being healthy, etc. We shall see how this goes. I'll update again soon....hopefully.