I haven't written in quite some time. Not much has changed since the last time I posted. But at the same time I feel like a lot has changed, mostly on the inside of myself, my heart and my mind.
I have felt a certain 'change' coming for a few months now. I feel a stirring inside of myself. Something is coming. Because of this feeling I have begun to do a few things that normally I would not have done. I am taking a class with my brother at his church, River Life. The school they have there is called SOS or School of the Supernatural. The first half of the class is always the more 'spiritual' side of things, your heart issues. The first few weeks were about Grace and now we are on to Dreams, Visions, and Revelations. The second half of the class is Old Testament History. This class has been really great. And I really felt like I was supposed to be there. Something (the Holy Spirit) is tugging at my heart. I'm not sure why or what path it's leading me down, but something is coming.
At first I thought maybe it was preparing me to move. To take up and leave with my husband and animals and start over new. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not clear. I also am struggling with a few things in my heart. Passions I have, that I've always had, but never get to use. Or have tried to use but it usually gets looked over or looked past and because of this I have almost given up on them.
Last night I got an email from a girl I have met only once at my brother's wedding. She told me some pretty amazing things about myself that she heard and felt God telling her to tell me. I read it slowly to soak it all in. I will probably read it multiple times over the next few days, weeks, and maybe even months. It was pretty incredible. It's not like she is my best friend and could tell me all of these things just because she knows me. Like I said, I have only met this girl one time. Once. That's it. And everything she said is just so true and so real and everything I have been feeling.
Here's what coming from within me: the Spirit. I know it. I know that I am being called to something greater. I'm not sure what that is exactly. Or when 'it' will happen. Or if 'it's' already happening. I'm being called to worship more freely (which is something I've never really done because I am insecure and have never really lived anything freely). Some of you might not understand what I'm talking about, and that's ok. This is for me. About me.
I think I have lived my whole life about everyone but me. This is not a bad thing. I love helping other people, being around other people, being apart of their lives. But the problem lies in the fact that I let other people and things choose my identity for me. I liked what they liked and did what they did. I think I'm finally starting to go, 'ya know, I don't actually really like this or that'. I feel like the Spirit is saying, 'Do what's best for you' and 'that is not who I created you to be, I created [that person] for that, but not you...THIS is what I created you for].
It's scary sometimes. And it makes me cry. But crying is freedom. It's letting go.
I wanna let go. And be free. And live in the Spirit.
